Monday, July 03, 2006

reasons i shouldn't join the library

a. always forget to bring the books back (two month out of date books currently on desk).

b. i'm no good at these lending communal things - my xtra-vision account is as large as some people's overdrafts, i use my credit union account like a deposit account and my mother once said in an ominous tone, 'never a lender nor a borrower bee'.

c. i'm twenty eight and occasionally wear a suit and yet i stand in front of the xtra-vision man saying 'can i just pay fifty cent today, i'll pay the rest later, promise'.

d. the second time i go to the library i try to show off to everyone by taking out 'difficult' books.

e. they're too hard for a pea-brained one such as i to read and sit on my desk as a consequence of the fact that i'm too ashamed to bring them back (see a. above)

f. i'm a messy book reader, adore dog-earing pages and munching sandwiches, twixes and other assorted foodstuff including crisps and coffee whilst reading and thus should not be allowed access to books that other people possibly may want to peruse afterward

g. if a writer is good, i tend to glut on them until googlyeyed, such as ian rankin, ian mcewan or any ian's generally speaking, this coupled with a. above means that my fellow citizens are famined of certain writers for lengthy periods

h. hobbies, which the library urge you to try, are something i like to try and thus i take books out on random subjects (such as an Irish novel, a Jungian psychology book for dummies and a learn to speak Spanish kit) which i never get beyond page IX, lesson 2 or whatever and thus feel really really inadequate

i. i tell everyone in the known universe, even strangers about how wonderous the library is, and when my interest abates they tediously remind me of it and ask what i'm reading, and then i have to lie or worse show off, and it's just a web of deceit and could end in potential misery

in conclusion there are many reasons why i shouldn't be part of the library, so i'm going to drop those books back under cover of darkness and rescind my library card for another three years.

Comments:
No, no, no!

I work in a library and can just see from your post that you would be a tragic loss to the world of public book-lending institutions.

a. Bringing books back late is very impressive-- you've been lingering over them-- especially if you pay the fine without rancour.
b. This country became great by borrowing vasts amount of money.
c. OK, this one is not so hot.
d. Score! I'm telling you now, library assistants are very, very impressed by somebody borrowing a book on Peruvian Mythology or the poetry of William Blake.
e. I can just smell the modesty
f. Library assistants have NO respect for books. Familiarity breeds contempt; we fling them around when the public isn't looking. People who really like reading consider it a failure not to leave evidence of their taste in food on page 28.
g. Sod them.
h. Guilt at our own inadequacy is a good sign. Complacent people just feel good watching Big Brother.
i. Oh. Oh. Oh. You say nice things about libraries, and (possibly) library assistants. These people only ask you what they're reading out of gaucheness. The correct response should be "Oh, I love libraries too, I can remember the very first books I borrowed..." Tell them you're reading Ivanhoe by George Orwell. They will probably nod and say they've read it too, it's a classic.

I hope you're going to reconsider.
 
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